Guest Post by Katleen (written in 2011, reposted in 2014)
“I hope you discover and open the gifts Quinn has left for you as you tend to your heart”
Quinn has left us.
I’ve always been afraid of losing him.
Afraid of not knowing how to move on without him and his silent wisdom.
Reflecting back on this day and the first days after his passing, has given me some beautiful insights and maybe opened the first precious gifts he has left for me forever.
The horses I share my life with have all opened ways toward great introspection. The ponies were my first start. Kylian added the playful note and Quinn the wisdom. All of them stimulate a different part of me daily, a part to be developed more thoroughly than without them. What started as a leisurely pursuit, evolved into a way of living.
I can’t say that I appreciate one more than another as I love them all, but Quinn….he was and will always be one of a kind. His unexpected appearance in my life and my unexplainable attraction to him (however the Friesian breed is my favorite above all) were the answer to all I needed at the time we found each other. I didn’t know then, but I learned to recognize along our time together, that he was playing a crucial role in me developing myself as the being I am.
What I learned and experienced about connection and being true to myself and them, was as real as it could be the day Quinn passed away. The connection we shared and that grew along the years was profound. With Quinn it was all about softness, mindfulness, inner peace, awareness and connecting to a higher level of consciousness. This experience of connecting at that level with another being gave me such a feeling of “oneness” that it even didn’t matter any more whether I had him next to me, at the other side of the pasture or even out of sight. And no matter if this was only in my imagination or if this was the real deal, it mattered to me and to how I experienced him as an equine being. The day he passed away to me felt as his “being” just leaving his equine physical body without disrupting the heartfelt connection.
I don’t ignore that I was afraid. I don’t hide that I was as sad as I could be. It hurt like hell to feel him suffer and I didn’t want him to go at all! I wanted him to stay, to be able to have more magic moments like we had, to hear his happy nickering in the morning, to smell him or to feel the shivering down my spine when touching his whiskers. To have his shoulder to lean on and his silent wisdom to support me while playing with Kylian. But I knew, and I knew very well, that he only had issues when I had issues with my issues and the last thing I wanted to put him through was experiencing me not being true to myself the last day we could spend together like this.
So in contradiction to what we humans often say – “be strong”, “get yourself together” – I cried and cried and cried. I let all out: fear, pain, sadness, love, gratitude, all came out as a flood and all I could do was just go with that flow. No restriction, no tension, no shivering, no hurting throat from holding in any emotion. And I thanked him….nothing else was in my mind but gratitude, endless gratitude.
All day long, while his prognosis was still uncertain, Kylian, Jolly and I stayed together with him. The purity of each of our emotions and connection was clear and the appreciation coming from Quinn was felt. All happened at his rhythm. We let him be free to be until his last breath when he decided that it was enough.
And than it was all peaceful. Tears kept on flowing but it was as peaceful as it could be. No pressure, no tension, no “holding on to” or non-accepting anything. It was not good, nor bad, but just OK and peaceful. All was well.
All was connected, we all were connected and the level of connection reached it’s summit. Was Quinn’s work done? Was he done with me? With us? Was he satisfied and proud and comfortable to go? Was I really able to move on?
“Thank you for allowing him the dignity to release his spirit when it grew too large for his body. He will watch over you always and guide you to your Home.”
(Deborah Barbour Lundy)
And he has guided me Home. Toward him, I had the courage to open up my heart. And the friends being here today to support me with their kindness, I have to thank him for. As each one of them appeared in my life once I came Home. The passion for life that I rediscovered, I have to thank him for. The ability to reconnect with myself, I have to thank him for. And as Brian says in his Whispering – There is Life after Death - “She could honor his life and bring him back into her world by feeling for his presence and guidance with every relationship she has going forward and toward the life she is creating” That is taking place right now, tomorrow and the day after and next. I’m very much aware of that and as my friend Joni said this so beautifully “he is with you in all-ways” …. He is. I see and feel him in all shapes of the beauty around me.
“The love within you can transform your pain to beauty with benefits, if you let it”
The first two days after his passing away, I didn’t feel like talking. Not because I was holding in or suppressing, but just because all was peaceful. I remember sharing this feeling with Brian first, which was based on the connection we share and to me it was just enough to know that he knew because I knew he understood ..
Those days I felt no need for consolation. It was enough to feel the presence of my friends, my friends who appeared into my life since the presence of Quinn, and that feeling passing through….”you’re not alone”. Thank you all for your kindness.
I learned to let all flow while letting go and keep that smile even throughout the tears. Because, none of us has any reason to be sad today because of what happened the day before but only grateful for what it has left over for us to carry further into eternal development. I will move on with an open heart full of love for all who will cross my path.
Have you lost a dear one?
How did you experience this time and how does it feel today?
Would you like to share your story with us?